Missing Grandma

{I wrote this months ago and never posted it. But when I was going through gift bags the other night (yes, I recycle) I found one with the tag intact and it was a gift from my Grandma and I just cried and cried. So I decided it was time to post this. I'll have to find a good photo of her to post sometime.}

I miss her so much sometimes my heart hurts. She’s been gone just over a year now, I realized last week. I’m so glad I didn’t think of it on the actual anniversary of her death. I’ll never forget our phone ringing early that morning. I knew my Grandma was gone. Daddy told Kenneth and he had to tell me, even though I already knew.

I didn’t love her more than any of my other grandparents. It’s just that we were so alike in so many ways. I spoke to her several times a week and we’d talk about anything and everything (almost). I still find myself wanting to talk to “someone” and realize it’s Grandma I want to talk to.

I didn’t allow myself to become despondent with grief. I didn’t feel like I could; I was about 7 months pregnant and was not going to do anything to jeopardize the well-being of our unborn daughter. I think that’s why I still cry sometimes. That and I think it’s so damn unfair that she was so close to meeting her first great-grandchild. I wanted her to know my baby. I wanted my baby to know her. Of course, if we’d had Ashleigh 8 or 9 years ago, she could have known all my grandparents. But Kenneth and I did what was right for us and I don’t regret that. We’ll just have to make sure that she knows all our grandparents through our memories.

I also have to realize that my wanting Grandma to keep hanging on was quite selfish. My grandfather passed away two years before her and she was very lonely. She’d been battling cancer off and on for 19 years. (It was actually the treatments that basically killed her.) She was ready to go.

I know that she knew I loved her very much. She knew I was happy with my life and that I had a good husband. She knew that we were having a girl and naming her Ashleigh Reagan. She wanted to buy her going home outfit which made me having to buy it really hard to do. But I was sure to buy something she would have approved of.

A few things about my Grandma:
::She looked great in red.
::She loved looking her best and being around people, socializing.
::She made awesome strawberry pies. (And other desserts, too.)
::She’d buy me things and tell me that “nobody has to know about this.”
::She loved to gossip. I’d get such a kick out of her telling me about all the latest scandles.
::She was TERRIFIED of storms. She fussed at me when I’d complain about Kenneth staying up until all hours watching the weather during storms.
::She said all sorts of funny things. One that comes to mind is “drunk as Cooter Brown.” This could be because someone was intoxicated, or referring to herself during an inner ear infection.
::She loved to sit on her front porch.
::She was stronger than she thought she was.

Sorry to be such a downer with this post, but it’s been on my mind for a long time and I had to finally do it.